If

A nice poem I came across, by Rudyard Kipling.

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

Christmas

Yes, Christmas marks the time when Jesus first came down to earth 2000 years ago. But it also seems to me like a heart-warming festival that rounds off the end of the year nicely and ushers in the new year. I haven't been this happy for a long time. A very very very very long time. Perhaps this is why everyone looks forward to Christmas - a time when everyone just forgets their troubles, put aside their differences to embrace a positive spiritual atmosphere.

I loved the endless post-A Level class outings and hosting the Christmas party at my place. 6E has been a wonderful and admirable bunch of people I've had the honour to serve as class rep. I hardly found it a chore over the past one year. With smart, driven and enthusiastic people, I can say with all confidence that this is one of most high-achieving classes in the whole level - both in terms of academics and CCA. I experienced great spirit and friendship which I have never seen before within the class and I'm sure everyone will go very far in life, no doubt about it at all.

I really enjoyed hanging out with E222 just now. What a delight it is to have fun with great people whom you can regard as brothers and sisters in Christ, all the more during Christmas Day itself. Whenever I'm feeling very down, you guys cheer me up somehow. In a sense, you all can be described as the candles that shine so brightly in my darkness. That's why no matter what, I always try my best to join fellowship. That's why I feel so at ease when I'm with you all, because I can trust you all so completely for some reason I cannot understand. Thanks for all you've done for me. Whether it's the incessant chatter that gets on my nerves or the countless personal conversations I've had with some of you that readjusts my direction in life. Indeed, this spiritual family is something I cannot do without. Please, continue to love each other with the unconditional love of God. It's not ignoring each other's faults, it's simply looking beyond our differences. It's what makes us special and attractive.

Of course, to my family and God - the unshakable pillars of my life - thank you for the unwavering support and encouragement through the little ups and big downs in my life. :)

18 years have passed, and really, life has only just begun.

funny church signs

Haha these are pictures of church signs I got off a website called Divine Caroline. I think they're really funny. I know I'm a Christian and all, but here's to a good laugh.

They just love him in Iraq, don't they?

I'm happy!

You know, now that I've finally realised what I want to do with my time, life's never been so good! I love it. I've never been so relaxed in a long while. Anyway I'm reading. :))

Incapacitated

Urgh I'm sick. After goodness knows how long (I can't remember the last time I was sick, or at least had such a painful experience) I finally fell sick again. Bah. Actually I was supposed to go for basketball with my class, then to the library and then shopping with my mum. Here I am resting at home for the entire day, and using whatever little time when I'm awake to blog.

I think I had stomach flu or something last night. I didn't go to the doctor, but hell, it was very, very bad. Stomach flu sounds deceptively trivial and at most mildly annoying but I think it can be compared to the most painful of ailments. Oh my gosh I didn't sleep for 4 hours or so and vomited twice, had breathing difficulties and my stomach was so bloated. In short, painful and traumatic. Somemore I had my parents staying up together with me, sigh.

I don't know I think it was either the Japanese food I had on Saturday night, or the extra oily combination of fried chicken and kway chap yesterday. Thank God I'm much better, and I need a full recovery please.

Boredom

I haven't been this bored for the past year, which has been 365 days or 8760 hours, if you like. I've never been so unoccupied to the point that I'm forcing myself to watch the most meaningless stuff, through the most meaningless channels, on the most meaningless invention in the history of mankind. (Alright, at least in our modern context - with computers and cinemas, who really needs television anyway. Or perhaps it's just me sulking at having no cable TV.)

So, I really need to get out, hang out and chill out. Whatever it is, I don't want to stay in. My life for the past two years hasn't been much of a life at all, I want to make up for lost time! After all, enlistment is just round the corner AH.

The world and God

My life is Your song
To You my heart belongs
Let all earthly crowns fade in the shadow of the cross ...

In the beginning, God created the world and He created people last. So He created the world for people to live in. Despite what's going on in this world right now, if we think quietly in solitude, it remains a beautiful place. What a blessing to be alive.

But let us ask ourselves, are we too entangled in this world to reach out to God? Are we too caught up with building our relationships and pursuing our aspirations that somehow God fades away as a scant memory? There's so much to see and so much to do that there's seemingly never enough time for everything. I always wish for more time to think, to read, to study, to write. I also want all the time in the world to hang out with friends and family. It would also be great if I had lots of time to serve the community. Ah, God - can I have less time with You, so that I have more time for other things? I'm already short of time here, You know. Oh, and I'm so tired too...

What benefit is it to a man if he gains the whole world but loses his own soul? Alas, one can only know when he has lost his spirit, just as one can never comprehend hunger unless he is hungry himself. There is nothing to be gained, but a complete sense of lack. Yes, we all do need God to live, to fill our lamp with oil and keep it burning bright.

It's time to lay aside our earthly crowns and turn back to God, seeking refuge under the shadow of the Almighty.

It's over!

A LEVELS ARE OVER! Time to get my life (and my room) back in order, and move on quickly. I have many more things to think about - decisions, decisions, delirium.

Anyway, I fancy my chances of getting As for the sciences and maths, but for GP and economics it's really a big question mark. An ideal situation will be straight As! GP and economics have always meant quite a lot to me, but I usually can't score as well as the other subjects. I'll just see how it goes. Hopefully whatever grades I get would lead me to something and somewhere God wants me to study. And in the best case scenario, a good scholarship either from NUS for local study or a strong organisation for overseas study, so I don't have to spend my parents' hard-earned tens of thousands of dollars for my degree.

I've really been wondering, how do people's lives change over time? Very surely, life doesn't end after JC. There's still university to go through, a career to pursue and a family to build, among many other things. All these factors would probably be part of most of my contemporaries' lives. Right now, I can't clearly see myself emerge at the top in wealth and repute in 10 or 20 years' time. It's not that I don't have dreams - I have incredible dreams - but the future is just so vague. After all, I've come so far in 18 years, and there's still more than three quarters of my life to live. How am I supposed to know how I would end up at the age of 50, or even just 30? I could fill the role of an important pillar of society, or remain in relative anonymity. The troubling thing is knowing that every major decision I make will have implications, profound or otherwise, for my future.

And next comes success. Is the definition of success different to each individual? To me, the fundamental basis for success is the same - power and influence. Please don't let the image of a ruthless dictator come to your mind. They are only critical for success, because they are the only means through which our ideals can turn into reality. And success for everyone, as far as I know, is to change society to the way he wants it to be, for the better or for the worse.

So, I have many things to think about - with God!

Life's Complex Web of Relationships

I deleted the previous post, didn't think that having GP essays here would be of any particular interest to anyone haha. Anyway life's good for me, only 2 more papers to go before I can say bye bye to JC life (unless I go back as a teacher, which is very highly improbable).

Dismissing life as being simple may perhaps be a little too, well, simplistic. I know life's much more than that. It's not just life in the long term, as in the major decisions that you make e.g. university degree, career path etc., but also life in the short term. I refer to those little trivialities that don't really matter over time, but are vital for sustaining your dwindling interest in living life, such as a nice encouraging note, or a cheery smile on your old grandma's wizened face. Occasionally, these trivialities could turn out to be annoyances that bug you so much that you scream "God!!" in utter desperation. And yes, they usually cause you to ask why God put you through such a rigourous - and painful - perfection process.

As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend. - Proverbs 27:17
As can be inferred from this verse, one tool particularly useful to God when He shapes us into perfection is other people. When people meet people, relationships develop, and herein lies the problem - relationships can be very complicated. Here are just some examples:

1. Parent vs. child: Parent must learn to give child freedom, but must teach him to exercise self-discipline in enjoying this freedom, ironically through discipline itself. Child must respect and honour parent, but sometimes doing so simply because he is the parent (especially when the parent is being unreasonable) reeks of disgusting hypocrisy.
2. Friend vs. friend: The absence of trust eventually brings misunderstanding, then backstabbing, and then hatred and so on. I'm sure there's little else I can comment on without sounding preachy, except that when such things happen, it is up to you to make a value judgement. Should you have made such a friend in the first place, and should you forgive and forget or make a clean break? If you really must determine a winner, the one with courage (to do what's right in the eyes of God - and not what's convenient) usually prevails over the one with selfishness in his heart.
3. Boy vs. girl: I'm still a teenager (with all the angst, insecurity and - OMG - acne that comes with being one), so ARGH WTH WTH WTH.

Try counting the number of relationships you have with other people. You'll still be doing so on your dying breath - there are 6 billion different people on this planet. It's just too easy to be caught in life's complex web of relationships. So we shouldn't be afraid of getting caught, it's bound to happen at many points in our lives. But let's not struggle on our own and become further entangled, but let God extricate us with His peace and wisdom, and learn from the process.

Tame the tongue.

For we all stumble in many things. If anyone does not stumble in word, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle the whole body. - James 3:2

Argh. I hate the feeling of regret and conviction I get when I realise I've done something wrong. I absolutely hate it. My conscience is strong, so I feel really bad when I let myself down, or when I let God down with some stupid thing that I did or said earlier. Usually these two disappointments come together. That rotten feeling is amplified when you know that you're supposed to be spiritually and emotionally mature enough not to sin.

I can't tame my tongue. It's as though I don't control it, and it has a mind of its own. I would think about saying nice things to bless and encourage people before, and then when I speak, verbal garbage starts to spew out endlessly. I'm really afraid one day it'll hurt someone. Or maybe it already did, and I'm none the more aware. I tell myself not to say anything. Sometimes I do that. But other times, like just now, I don't. And especially when I'm kind of stressed and want to chill out with my friends, I tend to forget who I am. I'm a child of God, a Christian. I'm not supposed to sin.

I guess I'm still on the long hard road to perfection...

Change

Change is inevitable. I guess things don't remain the same all the time. Well, that can be a good thing when life sucks, but when change forces you out of your comfort zone, it's not so good - at least in the short term.

Anyway, I can't help but feel quite stressed. There're so many changes going on in my life now. Upcoming exams - a change in my lifestyle and disposition. Cell group multiplication and the end of JC - a change in the friends I hang out with. Army enlistment, university applications and the list goes on.

I've gotten used to being so carefree. Some may call it slacking off, but I'd rather think that's the way we should live life. Don't be so hardcore about everything. Do what you like to do, and let passion drive you towards excellence. I bet at least half the people in my school hate studying mindlessly.

I've gotten used to my friends - E222 and 08SO6E - people I have spent lots of time with over the past year. Good times and bad times, light-hearted moments and dull moments... I love them, I really do. And it sucks to know we must all move on.

Ultimately, only God doesn't change. And I'm thankful for that.

(Im)mature

"I don't care what you say! I know I'm mature!" (fictional statement of self-denial)

One wonders where the word immature came from.

Look no further than the author of this post for an apt description of the word.

I'm still so imperfect... That's why I need God.

I looked at myself in the mirror once.

Gosh. I'm lost in a world of academics, when there's so much more out there to see, to hear and to do.

I love nature, music, sports, food, art and almost everything else. I love this world. I want to immerse myself in culture.

I want to see the world and try out new things, so that when I'm old, I won't regret not living out my youth.

I want to make a difference in this world, and make sure that everyone around me leads a better life because of what I have done.

I don't know how time flies
But I do know that when it does
It goes by in a blink of an eye.

Lord, teach me to number my days. And to know what is really important.

My father told me in a stressful time:
Ask God for the peace to accept things you cannot change,
for the courage to change the things you can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.