why so serious?

i haven't posted for more than a month. time to post something, whether people still read (:

life is a little too short for us to take it too seriously. i don't mean that we should play around and waste time or make foolish and rash decisions, but we shouldn't get so caught up with things that won't matter in the long run that we neglect the things that will run the course of our life.

it's far better to be able to relax, sit back and look at the big picture once in a while and get our direction in life right. i find it a waste for us to constantly be so preoccupied with petty issues here and there that distract us and then lose our way.

if we want to live a life that makes every day count, we have to:
know who we are in God,
know what we want,
know how to get there.

what stops us from knowing who we are in God:
pride

what stops us from knowing what we want:
people & possession

what stops us from knowing how to get there:
procrastination

what gives:
prayer.

so simple. life's not all that complicated. stop thinking that way, and just pray.

a matter of perspective

from pastor kong's blog:

"You are not shaped so much by your environment as you are by your perception of your environment. Life’s events don’t determine who you are; God determines who you are, and your interpretation of life’s events determines how well you will handle the pressures of life. In reality, we have very little control over our emotions, but we do have control over our thoughts, and our thoughts determine our feelings and our responses. That’s why it is so important that you fill your mind with the knowledge of God and His Word. You need to see life from God’s perspective and respond accordingly."

insightful; important yet oft forgotten (:

my favourite prayer (:

in our lives, challenges abound. they come in the form of antagonistic people, unforeseen events, or just seemingly insurmountable odds. yet there's a well-known prayer i really like, because it puts everything so complicated into perspective - i think it's called the serenity prayer:

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

living for the kingdom of God

everyone looks out for themselves to some extent, and i guess that's no one to blame because it's simply survival instinct. only a fool says that he doesn't have to take care of himself. but i think it's a different case altogether when a person decides to live for himself, because that's just foolishness of another sort.

if we are conscious of the fact that our lives are going to come to an end someday, surely it's obvious that to live for this life is vanity (think Ecclesiastes). even animals know better than to forget about reproduction and ensure continuity of their own species after they die. but to put the purpose of living to a stricter test, i think it doesn't pay to live for something temporal - which includes most of the things we have, know and see in this world - when there's something eternal to live for (think Ecclesiastes again).

so that naturally brings us to the question of what's possibly eternal in this ever-changing world. as a christian, my answer can only be the kingdom of God (Mark 8:34-9:1). it's far beyond my ability to define what living for the kingdom of God is, but God gives us guidance in His word and through His Spirit. (:

introspection long overdue.

yesterday's cell group outreach to sentosa was phenomenal. it wasn't so much because of the games we played or the silly things we did, but simply because of the people who were around. i just want to say thanks to everyone, it wouldn't have been the same without any of you. i think i've said this before, but indeed, i'm always glad to be in the company of e222 because i know i can be who i am and still be acknowledged and appreciated for it... i wonder whether there can ever be any group of people more full of the love of God. (:

i'm not sure if i went overboard yesterday. while there's no absolute right or wrong i can take reference to, there's always an ideal i think i can aspire to achieve. and that ideal for me, is remaining fully connected to people even when focusing on a task at hand. as a person i'm more task-oriented than people-oriented, so when i've got my sights on something, more often than not i tend to have eyes only for it and nothing else. once that happens, i find it hard to see things from other perspectives but mine alone and can become too imposing on others. but i understand to everything there is an balance that can be struck, and to simply cite natural disposition as a reason to dismiss responsibility for controversial behaviour is purely pride, arrogance and laziness on my part. so with regards to certain things i did, i admit that i was insensitive and even selfish, and admit that it's not worth offending people and risking relationships when what's at stake isn't all too important.

having said all that, i don't think most issues are as clear-cut and on any single issue, there could be a myriad of opinions from one extreme to the other. if it really comes down to that only one can be listened to, two choices seem most obvious - my opinion and God's. the hard part is when the two differ, and laying aside my pride and my own opinion has to be done.

daughter...

on a rainy rainy rainy sunday...

i feel melancholic. rain never fails to make me feel melancholic, and it's been pouring for 5 hours straight ever since i woke up. perhaps the monsoon season is arriving - el nino i think. nevertheless, it created a great environment for quiet time coupled with corrinne may's songs. after a spiritually draining week, which wasn't helped by the fact i couldn't attend service, the presence of God was awesome... it more than made up for the frustrations i'm feeling. and truly, being able to commune with God, to have Someone almighty who understands your troubles and carries your burdens is the greatest privilege that can be accorded. and oh, in fact He wants to do so... you just have to let Him. (:

i'll just share something God spoke to me about: the story of Jesus feeding the five thousand. there are so many times when we feel that we don't have much to offer God, and even more so when we're stuck in situations out of our control. and we ask God: "what can i give? how can i give? my life's such a mess!" it's only human to feel at a loss or sometimes painful frustrations because we can be helpless trying to get ourselves out of bondage from within or without. then it's also natural to be so obsessed with the problems in our life, instead knocking on the God's door to seek and find Him with all our heart. but when we are found in His presence, we'll hear from Him: "I'll take what little you have, and make it much." won't we trust God, and walk with Him? there's all that angst to lose, and a life of victory to gain.

i wish...

the weekend always feels like a dream to me. it's the time of the week when i'll be with people i love and can hang around with, throw aside all my reservations and be who i really am. it's the time of the week when i'm involved in things i actually like to do... yet like all dreams, they pass quickly, almost fleetingly.

weekdays are a drag, and every day seems so long that i'm always taking note of how long more it is to dismissal. i wish the days do end a lot faster, so i can go home to rest, interact online with friends and do some quiet time. or maybe go for bible study or a driving lesson (though i've more or less completed them). most of the time, i come home very drained that i can't even find much energy to exercise. if not for weekends, i could go insane.

and tomorrow is the start of a new week. but indeed, let His joy be my strength! on weekends, i love His presence. on weekdays, i desperately need His presence.

i really like to blog about little things that set me off.

i just finished reposting grace's original note on "what true salvation means to me on a ..." when i did something i would have never done on purpose - publish the news on facebook. i almost kicked myself for doing it. now every single person connected to me will be aware of the note, and possibly read it and know some of the fundamental beliefs of my christian faith.

i'm not ashamed of my faith at all... so why am i trying to be so discreet about it?

is it because singapore's a secular state and religion should never come to the forefront?

is it because some of my friends may take offence at this obvious declaration of faith?

is it because some others may ridicule me for religious zeal?

the answer is all three, and there are many layers to which it can be provided but i'll be missing the point of this post.

somehow, the confidence that God has given me tells me that nothing untoward shall happen because He is for me, and always fighting by me, with me and even through me. if truly the God i believe in is the Almighty One, the Alpha and Omega and the Creator of all heaven and earth, i will not retract any steps i have taken for Him, whether by accident or on purpose, no matter the consequences.

the Holy Spirit of God - our parakletos.

paráklētos: "one who consoles, one who intercedes on our behalf, a comforter or an advocate".

2 Corinthians 4:7-9

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. We are hard pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed...

i used to think that life surely gets much better after a period of stress, such as my a levels last year or bmt earlier this year. but i've realised that it's a delusion. at every point in our lives, there are always troubles that afflict us and obstacles to overcome. life isn't so much a bed of roses with nettles in between, but a bed of nettles with roses in between. i hope i don't sound fatalistic, since nettles may sting, but they can't kill.

this verse just came to mind when i was feeling hopeless about certain issues. thank God that He's always with us. (:

thinking on a sunday night in solitude

i haven't written anything here for quite a while. i guess it's time to reignite my love for writing since the chance for introspection presents itself.

today was city harvest's 20th anniversary. it was a monumental celebration that packed the entire indoor stadium with lots of performances and of course, the sharing by pastor kong about the church's vision for the next 20 years. sometimes i really admire him for his foresight and ability to plan far into the future. anyway, despite what many critics say about this church, and even some personal reservations of my own, i feel that this church is somewhere i think would challenge me to continually live out my life to its fullest for God - a life of faith for the power of God to move, of purity for the presence of God to linger, a life testament to the great commandment, a life that fulfills the great commission. so often reemphasized, it does sound so cliche and even meaningless, but i'm sure it's a comprehensive guide for a christian to live by if we seriously think about it. moreover, it's difficult to live like that. i'm probably never stop trying.

within and without my mind, only reason, and not faith, seems to always justify my decisions. likely, there are many people who find no trouble in trusting God, but not me. the only times i can recall trusting God were when the situations were desperate or out of my control. whenever i'm empowered and there's a chance that things can go out right (or the way i want it), i find no need to pray about it and place it in God's hands. i'm not going to blame anything or anyone for this terrible flaw but my prideful self who finds it counterintuitive to "let go and let God". it hits me now that life can be so unpredictable, and we also can't take what we have or what we know for granted, and thus everything still falls back into the hands of God. science fails, machines fail, people fail, but God doesn't. no wonder they say you have to learn to trust God, it doesn't come naturally, and still i know i need a lot more time and experience to remember and understand Proverbs 3:5.

in this world where temptations to sin abound, it's hard to keep your heart, mind and soul pure in the eyes of God. everywhere you look, anywhere you go, opportunities to sin are aplenty and sometimes self-control falls short, i'm not ashamed to admit that. no one's perfect and we all sin. somehow it's troubling that many people, myself included, can easily find something bad to do, yet have problems trying to do good. while Jesus has already died and resurrected that sin may no longer have any power over those who believe in Him, i think that making the conscious decision on our part to lay ourselves aside to put on Christ, that this and Christlikeness may come to pass, is another matter altogether. that's why many of us are still caught in the snare of sin. up to now, i haven't been able to put my whole self aside yet. with the realisation of who God is compared who i am, what God has done and what little He asks for, i think it makes for a compelling motivation to start.

not too long ago, grace shared with the connect group leaders on the importance of having a life statement. having given it some thought, i realised in retrospect that mine - to love, to serve and to influence - bears some resemblance to the great commandment (to love God wholeheartedly and to love people fervently) and the great commission (to make disciples of all the nations...). with that, there's a resounding assurance that my life is headed in the right direction if i go this way. yet, it's definitely not the easiest of all directions to take. the bible says that it isn't anything extraordinary if you love people who love you. however, to love your enemies and your critics or the people who no one else likes is easier said than done. it's out of mind, out of instinct, possibly even out of character for some like me. but i guess if that's what Jesus wants, then i just got to swallow my pride (and maybe choke on it because it's so enormous) and try. ultimately after loving and serving, it all comes to naught if the testimony is not expressed and the gospel of Jesus is not shared. i remember that in the past i used to be fervent about talking to others about the saving grace of Jesus Christ - the love, the hope, the experience and the changes one's life undergoes after receiving Him. it may be that my spirit's becoming lukewarm, otherwise dry, however you may describe it. is it because of unanswered questions? unfulfilled dreams? opening my eyes wide to a world antagonistic to principles in the kingdom of God, that sometimes i feel the uncomfortable pressure of going against the grain of things? it dawns on me that the Holy Spirit is here for a reason. my parakletos, He's here to help.

i'm not inclined to conclude matters than to raise them, so that's all and i hope i'll continue to grow in the presence of the Lord.

harry potter visits ben & jerry's

today's harry potter movie and ben & jerry's vermonster feast with e222 was absolutely awesome haha! thank God i still had the time to go home and change out after work, it would have quite a dampening effect if i didn't. i owe this to a good combination of workplace flexibility and cab service. (:

the movie was a little long but i think it was still great overall. i have no idea how phoebe slept halfway through. there were lots of humour and action all the way. anyway i haven't watched a movie in ages so it was really refreshing to step back into a cinema...

after that we went to ben & jerry's with some vouchers, kudos to the team that did human monopoly and got an impressive 2nd. it's my first time to the franchise so naturally it was eye-opening haha. an ice-cream joint! we ordered two vermonsters which were in essence tubs of ice-cream scoops of various flavours. it was almost unbelievable when people were just crowding around and digging into the heap of ice-cream, what an experience. (: in the end, we couldn't finish it and left the miserable remnants to melt into milkshake, haha. i truly hope i didn't overeat in our vain attempt to avoid wasting food, especially since it's sweet and sinful high-quality ice-cream. i think i even got a sugar rush; i was high all the way home. how a simple word can become the butt of jokes over multiple mrt stations, i don't know.

hopefully everyone enjoyed themselves as much as i did. haha! it's because of these things that i always look forward to the weekends after a long week. the cell group's so different but somehow when we get together, we make great company. (:

possibly God's fourth greatest gift to Man, i think.

sometimes all i ever wish for is a person who understands why i do what i do (or say and think, for that matter). there are so many things i want to say and explain and ask, but i can't. maybe it's because i haven't tried my best to do so even once, for fear of repercussions of various kinds. and let's face it, living for God and not for man is so much easier said than done. how many out there have dared ventured on their own into the world against society's expectations, or should i say social stigma - and succeeded to boot?

but the kind of support you can get from just one person who sticks by you and heals the heavy, burdensome labels cut by people into every part of your exposed body could probably make all the difference, and make the risk and effort in finding this person all worthwhile, simply because you know you'll never have to walk alone trying to live life to the fullest.

piss/peace?

haha i was just thinking what to name this blog post (a crazy one since it's so late and i got a really LONG day tomorrow) when i came up with "peace", since that kind of expresses what my innermost desire. peace with myself, peace with God, peace with the world and whatnot. maybe it's just because i'm tired. then that kid in me had to suggest piss as an interesting homonym, hence the title above.

i somehow feel that the song of solomon churchwide bible study is exceptionally impactful. every week i find i can always relate closely to the word shared and obtain numerous revelations from it that it actually makes me excited. wow it never fails to make me renew my relationship with God and my mindset. haha i like.

for example, when we're faced with a trial, we can choose to be pissed and complain, or to be peaced knowing that it's going to make us more prepared for the things to come. it all depends on where God is in your life, and how trials are perceived in your mindset.

relief and rest

this week was absolutely great.

1. got my scholarship offer from nus. woohoo!
2. cleared ippt once and for all. pretty well done too, considering that i haven't done much training since bmt...
3. had lots of fun during unit cohesion. running 4.2km, playing soccer and prawn fishing at east coast park are things i don't do too often haha.
4. attended my first two driving lessons. i've only done daytona once or twice, so driving a car was quite the exhilarating experience.
5. got a new phone to replace my second-hand five-year-old phone which was becoming very uncooperative.
6. cleared my final theory trial test which makes me eligible for the actual one.
7. had a good talk with my parents about family time, and it yielded results.
8. churchwide bible study was very relevant to me and allowed me to get my bearings right again.

i'm sure it's certainly enough to make anyone leap for joy twice over. but it wasn't easy for me the past many weeks. i was on the verge of giving up on my faith and on everything else. i couldn't even feel my soul and spirit anymore, as though it had simply disappeared. a walking zombie, bitter and resentful, i was for quite a while. and worse still, i couldn't (or at least i thought so) find anyone to talk to in detail about it. i tried to handle everything on my own and i felt like dying. i mean if you've been a christian all your life, your parents are devout and you're always looked upon as someone steady in the faith, who do you go to talk about such issues? you would think that your parents would be appalled and threaten to disown you; you consider the possibility that spiritual leaders would start the preaching you've heard a thousand times before and obviously would not work in such situations; you guess that church members would just give you the "huh why oh okay" and probably not understand a thing after you've tried your best to explain what a nothingness is. and it's not failure to see logic or struggles with real-life problems you can talk about. it's simply spontaneous emotional and spiritual self-destruction. thoughts like "screw it, i just want to get away from all of this" kind-of-thing when nothing is actually happening on the surface.

i can tell you that it is far easier to pull through the toughest physical trainings or hectic days with a strong and positive spirit than to lead a seemingly worry-free lifestyle with a dead soul. it was plain torture for me for the past weeks. i didn't realise that my soul was getting killed bit by bit with every day i was too lazy to seek God and every time i was sharply challenged by my army mates, until it was too late and nothing just seemed to matter anymore. i didn't want to serve in ministry, i hated my parents' prayer meetings at home, i thought of every possible reason why my beliefs were so worthless and the list of !#$%^ can go on. simply put, i thought everyone thought i sucked, and i thought everything else sucked too.

by the grace of God, i managed to rediscover the 'initial love' for God which pastor kong was sharing during churchwide bible study. that started happening before this week, so it wasn't this series of fortunate events (haha.) that made me think "oooh God i suddenly love you so much just because you've been nice to me". it's something that came straight out of my heart and took me over, dismissed the negativity building up within me and scrubbed me clean of all the dirt and muck i allowed to accumulate onto my spirit. i don't know how it happened but maybe God thought that He'd stretched me enough for now and pulled me out of this horrible mess just as quickly as i fell into it.

so i went back to God and i tried to see things in a different light. i cried out and attempted to love a God i couldn't relate to anymore. i told Him i had enough of this walking on my own, and sure enough He came to my side and picked my tired, weary self up on His back. i really did set my heart on rediscovering my relationship with God, not because someone told me to or it was the right thing to do, but because i simply had to do it. and in those kind of situations, meekness, dedication and humility are at their best because now you're so desperate for anything to hold on to. He then swiftly cut all the binding chains that were slowly pulling me apart and nursed my bruises. i realised that life must really be walked with God. and somehow, all things did indeed work together for good to those that love Him, to those that are the called according to His purpose.

well we've all heard before that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. and in future i'd better tend my vineyards properly first, before anything else.

-.

i'm deeply convinced that inner peace can only be achieved by constant meditation to the realisation of God's purpose in whatever we do, and that whatever happens in the future shall and can only be a direct consequence of what happens now.

when i'm faced with an identity crisis

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.

Bridge:
Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
I am yours..
I am yours..

some rely on their reason to find the meaning of life. reason tells you that you're nothing more than dust before and after this transient existence. i just refuse to believe that. simply because i know in my heart and spirit that i can't possibly be just dust tells me that we are not, unlike the plants and animals of this earth who live to die. surely we're more than that. we are the children of a great God, and i look to Him.

a process

sometimes i ask myself, why isn't there any end to all this - my pains, my troubles, my difficulties? things just seem to get harder and harder. when it isn't physical, it's mental. when it isn't mental, it's emotional. when it isn't emotional, it's spiritual. i've long stopped deceiving myself that there'll be a time on this earth where people, places or events seem perfect.

i can go on and on about the shortcomings of my environment, but somehow i'll get lost for words if you ask me to count my blessings. why this inclination towards criticism? maybe it's because we're all wired as human beings to strive for progress. i like to think that people who are mature in this aspect usually follow up with actions on their criticism to make a difference for the better. others just do the first part and forget about the second - not a very good thing to go around destroying what you don't like and leaving the place in ruins. it'll perhaps be wiser to build something more ideal out of the rubble.

having said all that, i think some amount of destruction should still be necessary to leave room for creation. beautiful cities couldn't be built without first clearing the land, great empires couldn't have come into existence before smaller civilisations were conquered and assimilated. now i come to my main point - a better person can only emerge out of challenges in life. hardship acts as a huge sledgehammer that break you down bit by bit. during that process, the pain can be almost unendurable. and you cry out for help for someone to put you back together again... as God does it, you realise it's all part of His plan.

daydreaming

I can really get lost dreaming about the future sometimes, especially when my life now isn't exactly anything to cheer about - it's just the same old routine everyday. Yet, thank God I have opportunities to read at work. At least I live vicariously, and more importantly, slowly shape my worldview reading the newspapers, books and magazines. The world out there is simply so exciting, hurrying me to finish my term in NS. ORD faster come!

Just a great quote I found in Newsweek: It doesn't matter where you come from, only where you're headed. Inspiring? Haha.

mistake

what do you do when you realise you made a big mistake?

you learn from it.

you make amends, if possible.

but sometimes, it's not easy to forget about it.

and then you question yourself over and over again, was it really a mistake to begin with?

waxing philosophical - why are we here?

When humans try so hard to find out more about the earth - scaling the highest mountains, diving into the deepest seas, braving the harshest weather, even sending shuttles into space - ultimately what we want to find out is who we really are and what we are here for. Perhaps there is a faint glimmer of hope that by discovering every single bit of detail about our surroundings past and present, we can piece together the vast amounts of seemingly unrelated information and form some theories that could give us a hint on our identity. However, it seems that man's effort to do so has yielded little so far, and after so long - reference to the Greek philosophers of old. With the Big Bang theory explaining how this universe came to pass, and Darwin's famous theory of evolution explaining how we, more specifically, came into an insignificant existence (aren't we just a product of evolution?), we would expect to see many confident, self-assured humanistic individuals. Yet, even among the educated elite, it is a rare sight, much less in the general population. Science and logic doesn't seem to give us a convincing sense of life's purpose, at least for now. That's why you see interesting ways to avoid this topic floating around, usually by playing down the importance of life to self - there wasn't any problem before I was born, so there isn't going to be one when I'm gone or something along those lines. Nice try, don't cheat yourself... Then what's the point of living?

Let's look at things simply. What allows us better to find our purpose than looking to our Maker? We can't possibly expect the created to know what its purpose is, when it has not been shown a purpose or has not been led to fulfill it. In addition, what else could have caused the start of all time, space and matter but the God of this universe (that transcends the abovementioned elements)? I can't fathom why so many scientists and researchers, especially metaphysicists, can't bring themselves to accept the existence of a Creator. Perhaps someone could also explain how evolution has been so kind as to give humans - and humans only - rational thought, emotion and spirituality. To speak of random changes in DNA, wherein the good changes have been selected for and passed down... Random? In the first place, I don't think see how simple evolution could cause a possible change in the physical firing and organisation of neurons and synapses in our brains that has led to philosophies of man far deeper than this, or human emotions that exceed that of all other species in variation and intensity. After all, animals have brains too (and hearts if you really want me to put it in). How about our superiority being attributed to social structures that have evolved after long periods of destruction and creation of human society? Monkey world has been around much longer than ours, yet we still see our closest relatives exhibiting most behaviours guided by primal instinct. Surely, a higher power - God - must have done something to intervene.

So please don't say that God doesn't exist or that we are moulded by the forces of nature through evolution, if you know that our purpose cannot be found in science, but in God alone.

OVER!!!

so you had a bad day

try www.fmylife.com. the things in there can get quite screwed but funny nonetheless haha - there's always someone else worse off, count your blessings!

expectation

expectation is nothing more than hope, until it comes to pass in reality. i've learnt that doesn't always happen, and sometimes holding on to expectation can be a painful experience. it's tiring to be constantly kept in suspense and to keep guessing. it's spirit-shattering when expectation doesn't come to pass.

it's these kind of experiences that tell me to live my own life and simply do what i want to do without any regrets. i wish i could just disregard how other people would seem to judge me or how my actions could affect them. the truth is, this is a shared world, a common society, a community. too many times, i've made my decisions based on others and sold myself short as a result. in retrospect, i couldn't have possibly expected others to be empathetic, or expected them to react favorably. i couldn't have acted all on my own, it would be plainly irresponsible.

does this mean i'm going to shut myself off from the world? impossible. does this mean i'm giving up my dreams? never. but once in a while, it would be nice to see some love, kindness and respect to brighten up my day. just a little would do, i don't think that's expecting too much.

complex simplicity

sometimes when life gets easy, you start creating problems just to complicate it. problems that are birthed out of too much thinking and imagination. it seems like we can't let our hearts and minds rest for a brief moment.

i really shall not bother. it's time to get over this insecurity. que sera, sera.

:))

wow i haven't had such a great time in ages man! went to sentosa, then window shopped at vivo and played left4dead with cell members and section mates. the experience was totally exhilarating!!! it's the one time i've felt so relieved for many months. relieved of what, i'm not sure. but i can't stop smiling. ;p woohoo!

growing up

while having a talk with some friends that day, it just seemed to me that we're all growing up. the problem is, i think we're growing up too quickly that childhood seems almost hard to leave behind. by childhood, i mean the times when we weren't so busy with our own lives, the times when we had tolerance for the things happening around us, a mark of innocence. in short, the times when we didn't have to complicate matters but look at life simply, taking one day at a time.

it's painful to realise that as we grow older, our paths inevitably diverge and our differences seem to be ever more apparent without the cloud of ignorance that covered these differences when we used to be younger, and in adult terms, less mature. maybe i've gotten my a level results, so it is as though school is behind me and what lies ahead is a great blur. maybe it's because i'm always training in my army camp, she's always relief teaching in her school and he's always busy with community work. either way, it feels like childhood is only something i can reminiscence about from now on.

my dad's never talked to me so seriously and analytically - like how adults talk to each other - the day i got my results. i used to love being pampered by my mum; is it really me who's constantly concerned about her now? even my brother doesn't seem like a 'kid' brother to me anymore. he's growing up too, like everyone else around me - my classmates, church friends and neighbours... when adult life begins, is it true that everyone's lives are their own to live, and no one else's anymore?

book out

they say army teaches you to be a man.
they say army forces you to be independent.
i say army really makes you miss the people and the tiny piece of land you're training to defend.

army's been a great experience so far. i've met many interesting people and made friends. and life in army isn't all that hard, at least for me for now.

but the best experience of all is booking out!

Do we live for the present or the future?

I know this topic seems like it came out of the blue.

But it just seems to me that these days I'm living for the future and not the present, and I wonder if it's always been the case. I'm waiting for NS enlistment, preparing for my SAT and of course looking forward to Hongbao Festival, but not doing anything for the current. Hm I mean doing anything important for the current because I do still play Geo Challenge for leisure (too bad, no life). Problem is, it goes contrary to what many sages have been exhorting, especially some wise old tortoise from a certain movie - what's his name? Master WuGui. Rightttt.

So is it really possible to live for the present?
If you've got no future to live for. - uh.
If what's coming probably isn't nice. - well okay.
If you really think Santa and his naughty-or-nice list exists. - lame.

Isn't life supposed to be about using the present to prepare for the future?

Maybe, it's about living in the present, not for it. I got mixed up haha. Whoops.

Monotony

Life is getting real boring. I'm spending my days doing SAT preparation. I want to talk about science or politics with someone! Got a lot to say and laugh about but I guess I can't do it here. Too much to write, perhaps? Had a nice chat with Wallace just now about a handful of inscrutable (haha SAT word!) scientific theories that included a possible Armageddon in 2012 caused by the switching of Earth's magnetic poles. How cool is that. So cool it's just implausible (another SAT word!). Luckily it's the weekend!

Sailing with the wind

I've just changed my mind; I'm going to aim for an engineering degree. Haha perhaps it may be a bit too much of an about-turn. All the while I've been interested in law, but I think it's been for the wrong reasons. I've always wanted to be as capable as anyone else. Being an all-rounder thus appealed to me. After all, if I could be good at everything, then I would never be found lacking when compared to another person, no matter who he or she is! Naturally, I wanted to be able to write well and speak well, since I'm better at analyzing stuff like in the maths and sciences. From joining the debaters to being far more enthusiastic in GP lessons and concerned with current affairs than the average person, I went all out to make up for my weaknesses - oral communication and written expression.

But a boat that sails against the wind doesn't go far... I think true success for anyone should involve more focus on playing to his or her inherent strengths, instead of wasting time and effort making up for weaknesses.

Having said that, please advise!

And I wait for a few more days.

Most of my friends are enlisting tomorrow. I'll be going in a little later on the 28th. Well, that gives time to study for SAT and take the test itself, but it's not exactly very exciting either. At least it's better than waiting till April though.

Anyway, I forgot to tap my EZ-Link card yesterday on the way to Li Ting's house. My heart nearly sank. That cost me 2 bucks instead of 70 cents, thanks. I'm so used to getting off the bus without tapping. And listening to that familiar beep-beep instead of just a strange beep.

Life's quite different!

The first few of many new revelations I'll have this year:

No more school. Which means no more student concession. Ouch. I feel the fire in my pants - that which is burning a hole in my pocket, nothing else okay thanks.

No more school also means imminent brain degeneration. I think, I mean I feel that it's already begun. HELP! How am I going to do my SAT?! Especially the essay writing part. And all that grammar and vocabulary is swirling randomly in my head; I've lost most of my ability to conceptualise, even at a fundamental level. My gosh. The SAT guidebook suggests regular writing practice. Guess I'll do it here.

No more school means fun - while it lasts.

2009

Yesterday's countdown marks the end of a tumultuous 2008 and the start of 2009. I can't really say for sure how it's going to turn out until I actually go through it.

Anyway I missed the countdown together with the rest of my family and Singapore. I did it with the fairies and gnomes. I was far too tired haha. But it's okay, I don't think missing a countdown amounts to a bad start to the year.

Reminiscing:

Milestone for 2008 - A LEVEL

Looking ahead:

Milestone for 2009 - NS

I'm going to make it a fruitful year regardless of certain inevitable circumstances haha.