simply a song - of life

safe in a very very very crazy world

2010-04-04T19:50:00.001+08:00

I try to smile my tears away
I try to keep my cool
Oh but one more door gets in my way
I feel like such a fool
Trampled and bitter
My heart just wants to bleed and stop
Believing in me

It feels like nothing is for certain
and that nothing comes for free
When they're lowering the curtain
to the theatre of my dreams
I stumble and I crumble and I'm
Sinking to my knees but you
You cradle me

You keep me flying
You keep me smiling
You keep me safe in a crazy world
You understand me
Embrace my fragility
You keep me safe in a crazy world
And in your arms I find the strength
to believe in me again

Noise keeps chasing me
No matter where I go
Oh and life likes pretending that it's
On a TV show
When it's hard to tell what's real
From what the world just wants to preach
You are the voice I seek

You keep me flying
You keep me smiling
You keep me safe in a crazy world
You understand me
Embrace my fragility
You keep me safe in a crazy world

'cause when I'm wrapped up in your arms
Nothing else can touch me
What a wonderful way to recharge
I feel like I can breathe again

You keep me flying
You keep me smiling
You keep me safe in a crazy world
You understand me
Embrace my fragility
You keep me safe in a crazy world
And in your arms I find the strength
to believe in me again

i'm just an ordinary someone serving an extraordinary God

2010-03-16T21:06:00.002+08:00

my goals.

2010-02-07T21:25:00.002+08:00

if it is in the will of God, i hope to achieve these things in the near future. in all, i want to be a more God-oriented and people-oriented and less self-oriented person.

2010:
Spiritual - i need a breakthrough. i will put God first in all my life and hold a greater presence and anointing of the Holy Spirit.
Personal - increase the quality of my relationships by availing more time, effort and money to bless everyone in my life.
NUS - revise all my JC maths, chemistry, physics and economics work.
CG - bless the cell group, grow my connect group, increase the spiritual and technical aspects of my guitar playing.
Choir - establish my ministry and be changed in my attitudes and methods in praise and worship.
PA - establish my involvement and widen my social circle, bless the community.

2011:
SOT - radically change my mindset and attitude to the likeness of Jesus, top the class.
CG - work towards further increasing my serving in this ministry.
Choir - rise up.
NUS - have a highly impactful and fruitful first year in my scholarship programme, studies and CCA.
PA - become a member and actively participate.

2012/2013 (provided it isn't the end of the world -.-):
NUS - lead a highly dynamic student group, assist and get noticed in top research programmes, go on an exchange programme to a cutting-edge university/city and broaden my international horizons.
CG - rise up to be a CGL.
PA - rise up.

2014:
NUS - graduate with a first class honours in chemical engineering.
MIT - go here to complete a PhD.

2010-?:
carpe diem, ambulo cum Deus.

man in the mirror (again)

2010-01-07T22:55:00.002+08:00

james 1: 23-25

for if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror; for he observes himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was. but he who looks into the perfect law of liberty and continues in it, and is not a forgetful hearer but a doer of the work, this one will be blessed in what he does.

most assuredly, almost impossible. sometimes more so, sometimes less. adapting to change is hard, changing is harder. thank God for my parakletos, the Holy Spirit.

why so serious?

2009-12-23T00:11:00.004+08:00

i haven't posted for more than a month. time to post something, whether people still read (:

life is a little too short for us to take it too seriously. i don't mean that we should play around and waste time or make foolish and rash decisions, but we shouldn't get so caught up with things that won't matter in the long run that we neglect the things that will run the course of our life.

it's far better to be able to relax, sit back and look at the big picture once in a while and get our direction in life right. i find it a waste for us to constantly be so preoccupied with petty issues here and there that distract us and then lose our way.

if we want to live a life that makes every day count, we have to:
know who we are in God,
know what we want,
know how to get there.

what stops us from knowing who we are in God:
pride

what stops us from knowing what we want:
people & possession

what stops us from knowing how to get there:
procrastination

what gives:
prayer.

so simple. life's not all that complicated. stop thinking that way, and just pray.

a matter of perspective

2009-11-18T22:30:00.002+08:00

from pastor kong's blog:

"You are not shaped so much by your environment as you are by your perception of your environment. Life’s events don’t determine who you are; God determines who you are, and your interpretation of life’s events determines how well you will handle the pressures of life. In reality, we have very little control over our emotions, but we do have control over our thoughts, and our thoughts determine our feelings and our responses. That’s why it is so important that you fill your mind with the knowledge of God and His Word. You need to see life from God’s perspective and respond accordingly."

insightful; important yet oft forgotten (:

my favourite prayer (:

2009-11-08T21:29:00.005+08:00

in our lives, challenges abound. they come in the form of antagonistic people, unforeseen events, or just seemingly insurmountable odds. yet there's a well-known prayer i really like, because it puts everything so complicated into perspective - i think it's called the serenity prayer:

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

living for the kingdom of God

2009-10-04T21:04:00.002+08:00

everyone looks out for themselves to some extent, and i guess that's no one to blame because it's simply survival instinct. only a fool says that he doesn't have to take care of himself. but i think it's a different case altogether when a person decides to live for himself, because that's just foolishness of another sort.

if we are conscious of the fact that our lives are going to come to an end someday, surely it's obvious that to live for this life is vanity (think Ecclesiastes). even animals know better than to forget about reproduction and ensure continuity of their own species after they die. but to put the purpose of living to a stricter test, i think it doesn't pay to live for something temporal - which includes most of the things we have, know and see in this world - when there's something eternal to live for (think Ecclesiastes again).

so that naturally brings us to the question of what's possibly eternal in this ever-changing world. as a christian, my answer can only be the kingdom of God (Mark 8:34-9:1). it's far beyond my ability to define what living for the kingdom of God is, but God gives us guidance in His word and through His Spirit. (:

introspection long overdue.

2009-09-21T20:10:00.002+08:00

yesterday's cell group outreach to sentosa was phenomenal. it wasn't so much because of the games we played or the silly things we did, but simply because of the people who were around. i just want to say thanks to everyone, it wouldn't have been the same without any of you. i think i've said this before, but indeed, i'm always glad to be in the company of e222 because i know i can be who i am and still be acknowledged and appreciated for it... i wonder whether there can ever be any group of people more full of the love of God. (:

i'm not sure if i went overboard yesterday. while there's no absolute right or wrong i can take reference to, there's always an ideal i think i can aspire to achieve. and that ideal for me, is remaining fully connected to people even when focusing on a task at hand. as a person i'm more task-oriented than people-oriented, so when i've got my sights on something, more often than not i tend to have eyes only for it and nothing else. once that happens, i find it hard to see things from other perspectives but mine alone and can become too imposing on others. but i understand to everything there is an balance that can be struck, and to simply cite natural disposition as a reason to dismiss responsibility for controversial behaviour is purely pride, arrogance and laziness on my part. so with regards to certain things i did, i admit that i was insensitive and even selfish, and admit that it's not worth offending people and risking relationships when what's at stake isn't all too important.

having said all that, i don't think most issues are as clear-cut and on any single issue, there could be a myriad of opinions from one extreme to the other. if it really comes down to that only one can be listened to, two choices seem most obvious - my opinion and God's. the hard part is when the two differ, and laying aside my pride and my own opinion has to be done.

daughter...

2009-08-31T23:19:00.001+08:00

on a rainy rainy rainy sunday...

2009-08-30T12:53:00.002+08:00

i feel melancholic. rain never fails to make me feel melancholic, and it's been pouring for 5 hours straight ever since i woke up. perhaps the monsoon season is arriving - el nino i think. nevertheless, it created a great environment for quiet time coupled with corrinne may's songs. after a spiritually draining week, which wasn't helped by the fact i couldn't attend service, the presence of God was awesome... it more than made up for the frustrations i'm feeling. and truly, being able to commune with God, to have Someone almighty who understands your troubles and carries your burdens is the greatest privilege that can be accorded. and oh, in fact He wants to do so... you just have to let Him. (:

i'll just share something God spoke to me about: the story of Jesus feeding the five thousand. there are so many times when we feel that we don't have much to offer God, and even more so when we're stuck in situations out of our control. and we ask God: "what can i give? how can i give? my life's such a mess!" it's only human to feel at a loss or sometimes painful frustrations because we can be helpless trying to get ourselves out of bondage from within or without. then it's also natural to be so obsessed with the problems in our life, instead knocking on the God's door to seek and find Him with all our heart. but when we are found in His presence, we'll hear from Him: "I'll take what little you have, and make it much." won't we trust God, and walk with Him? there's all that angst to lose, and a life of victory to gain.

i wish...

2009-08-23T21:05:00.003+08:00

the weekend always feels like a dream to me. it's the time of the week when i'll be with people i love and can hang around with, throw aside all my reservations and be who i really am. it's the time of the week when i'm involved in things i actually like to do... yet like all dreams, they pass quickly, almost fleetingly.

weekdays are a drag, and every day seems so long that i'm always taking note of how long more it is to dismissal. i wish the days do end a lot faster, so i can go home to rest, interact online with friends and do some quiet time. or maybe go for bible study or a driving lesson (though i've more or less completed them). most of the time, i come home very drained that i can't even find much energy to exercise. if not for weekends, i could go insane.

and tomorrow is the start of a new week. but indeed, let His joy be my strength! on weekends, i love His presence. on weekdays, i desperately need His presence.

i really like to blog about little things that set me off.

2009-08-19T22:26:00.002+08:00

i just finished reposting grace's original note on "what true salvation means to me on a ..." when i did something i would have never done on purpose - publish the news on facebook. i almost kicked myself for doing it. now every single person connected to me will be aware of the note, and possibly read it and know some of the fundamental beliefs of my christian faith.

i'm not ashamed of my faith at all... so why am i trying to be so discreet about it?

is it because singapore's a secular state and religion should never come to the forefront?

is it because some of my friends may take offence at this obvious declaration of faith?

is it because some others may ridicule me for religious zeal?

the answer is all three, and there are many layers to which it can be provided but i'll be missing the point of this post.

somehow, the confidence that God has given me tells me that nothing untoward shall happen because He is for me, and always fighting by me, with me and even through me. if truly the God i believe in is the Almighty One, the Alpha and Omega and the Creator of all heaven and earth, i will not retract any steps i have taken for Him, whether by accident or on purpose, no matter the consequences.

the Holy Spirit of God - our parakletos.

2009-08-10T20:45:00.000+08:00

paráklētos: "one who consoles, one who intercedes on our behalf, a comforter or an advocate".

2 Corinthians 4:7-9

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. We are hard pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed...

i used to think that life surely gets much better after a period of stress, such as my a levels last year or bmt earlier this year. but i've realised that it's a delusion. at every point in our lives, there are always troubles that afflict us and obstacles to overcome. life isn't so much a bed of roses with nettles in between, but a bed of nettles with roses in between. i hope i don't sound fatalistic, since nettles may sting, but they can't kill.

this verse just came to mind when i was feeling hopeless about certain issues. thank God that He's always with us. (:

thinking on a sunday night in solitude

2009-08-02T22:02:00.003+08:00

i haven't written anything here for quite a while. i guess it's time to reignite my love for writing since the chance for introspection presents itself.

today was city harvest's 20th anniversary. it was a monumental celebration that packed the entire indoor stadium with lots of performances and of course, the sharing by pastor kong about the church's vision for the next 20 years. sometimes i really admire him for his foresight and ability to plan far into the future. anyway, despite what many critics say about this church, and even some personal reservations of my own, i feel that this church is somewhere i think would challenge me to continually live out my life to its fullest for God - a life of faith for the power of God to move, of purity for the presence of God to linger, a life testament to the great commandment, a life that fulfills the great commission. so often reemphasized, it does sound so cliche and even meaningless, but i'm sure it's a comprehensive guide for a christian to live by if we seriously think about it. moreover, it's difficult to live like that. i'm probably never stop trying.

within and without my mind, only reason, and not faith, seems to always justify my decisions. likely, there are many people who find no trouble in trusting God, but not me. the only times i can recall trusting God were when the situations were desperate or out of my control. whenever i'm empowered and there's a chance that things can go out right (or the way i want it), i find no need to pray about it and place it in God's hands. i'm not going to blame anything or anyone for this terrible flaw but my prideful self who finds it counterintuitive to "let go and let God". it hits me now that life can be so unpredictable, and we also can't take what we have or what we know for granted, and thus everything still falls back into the hands of God. science fails, machines fail, people fail, but God doesn't. no wonder they say you have to learn to trust God, it doesn't come naturally, and still i know i need a lot more time and experience to remember and understand Proverbs 3:5.

in this world where temptations to sin abound, it's hard to keep your heart, mind and soul pure in the eyes of God. everywhere you look, anywhere you go, opportunities to sin are aplenty and sometimes self-control falls short, i'm not ashamed to admit that. no one's perfect and we all sin. somehow it's troubling that many people, myself included, can easily find something bad to do, yet have problems trying to do good. while Jesus has already died and resurrected that sin may no longer have any power over those who believe in Him, i think that making the conscious decision on our part to lay ourselves aside to put on Christ, that this and Christlikeness may come to pass, is another matter altogether. that's why many of us are still caught in the snare of sin. up to now, i haven't been able to put my whole self aside yet. with the realisation of who God is compared who i am, what God has done and what little He asks for, i think it makes for a compelling motivation to start.

not too long ago, grace shared with the connect group leaders on the importance of having a life statement. having given it some thought, i realised in retrospect that mine - to love, to serve and to influence - bears some resemblance to the great commandment (to love God wholeheartedly and to love people fervently) and the great commission (to make disciples of all the nations...). with that, there's a resounding assurance that my life is headed in the right direction if i go this way. yet, it's definitely not the easiest of all directions to take. the bible says that it isn't anything extraordinary if you love people who love you. however, to love your enemies and your critics or the people who no one else likes is easier said than done. it's out of mind, out of instinct, possibly even out of character for some like me. but i guess if that's what Jesus wants, then i just got to swallow my pride (and maybe choke on it because it's so enormous) and try. ultimately after loving and serving, it all comes to naught if the testimony is not expressed and the gospel of Jesus is not shared. i remember that in the past i used to be fervent about talking to others about the saving grace of Jesus Christ - the love, the hope, the experience and the changes one's life undergoes after receiving Him. it may be that my spirit's becoming lukewarm, otherwise dry, however you may describe it. is it because of unanswered questions? unfulfilled dreams? opening my eyes wide to a world antagonistic to principles in the kingdom of God, that sometimes i feel the uncomfortable pressure of going against the grain of things? it dawns on me that the Holy Spirit is here for a reason. my parakletos, He's here to help.

i'm not inclined to conclude matters than to raise them, so that's all and i hope i'll continue to grow in the presence of the Lord.

harry potter visits ben & jerry's

2009-07-18T00:04:00.002+08:00

today's harry potter movie and ben & jerry's vermonster feast with e222 was absolutely awesome haha! thank God i still had the time to go home and change out after work, it would have quite a dampening effect if i didn't. i owe this to a good combination of workplace flexibility and cab service. (:

the movie was a little long but i think it was still great overall. i have no idea how phoebe slept halfway through. there were lots of humour and action all the way. anyway i haven't watched a movie in ages so it was really refreshing to step back into a cinema...

after that we went to ben & jerry's with some vouchers, kudos to the team that did human monopoly and got an impressive 2nd. it's my first time to the franchise so naturally it was eye-opening haha. an ice-cream joint! we ordered two vermonsters which were in essence tubs of ice-cream scoops of various flavours. it was almost unbelievable when people were just crowding around and digging into the heap of ice-cream, what an experience. (: in the end, we couldn't finish it and left the miserable remnants to melt into milkshake, haha. i truly hope i didn't overeat in our vain attempt to avoid wasting food, especially since it's sweet and sinful high-quality ice-cream. i think i even got a sugar rush; i was high all the way home. how a simple word can become the butt of jokes over multiple mrt stations, i don't know.

hopefully everyone enjoyed themselves as much as i did. haha! it's because of these things that i always look forward to the weekends after a long week. the cell group's so different but somehow when we get together, we make great company. (:

possibly God's fourth greatest gift to Man, i think.

2009-07-06T00:12:00.005+08:00

sometimes all i ever wish for is a person who understands why i do what i do (or say and think, for that matter). there are so many things i want to say and explain and ask, but i can't. maybe it's because i haven't tried my best to do so even once, for fear of repercussions of various kinds. and let's face it, living for God and not for man is so much easier said than done. how many out there have dared ventured on their own into the world against society's expectations, or should i say social stigma - and succeeded to boot?

but the kind of support you can get from just one person who sticks by you and heals the heavy, burdensome labels cut by people into every part of your exposed body could probably make all the difference, and make the risk and effort in finding this person all worthwhile, simply because you know you'll never have to walk alone trying to live life to the fullest.

piss/peace?

2009-06-13T01:14:00.003+08:00

haha i was just thinking what to name this blog post (a crazy one since it's so late and i got a really LONG day tomorrow) when i came up with "peace", since that kind of expresses what my innermost desire. peace with myself, peace with God, peace with the world and whatnot. maybe it's just because i'm tired. then that kid in me had to suggest piss as an interesting homonym, hence the title above.

i somehow feel that the song of solomon churchwide bible study is exceptionally impactful. every week i find i can always relate closely to the word shared and obtain numerous revelations from it that it actually makes me excited. wow it never fails to make me renew my relationship with God and my mindset. haha i like.

for example, when we're faced with a trial, we can choose to be pissed and complain, or to be peaced knowing that it's going to make us more prepared for the things to come. it all depends on where God is in your life, and how trials are perceived in your mindset.

relief and rest

2009-05-31T00:47:00.002+08:00

this week was absolutely great.

1. got my scholarship offer from nus. woohoo!
2. cleared ippt once and for all. pretty well done too, considering that i haven't done much training since bmt...
3. had lots of fun during unit cohesion. running 4.2km, playing soccer and prawn fishing at east coast park are things i don't do too often haha.
4. attended my first two driving lessons. i've only done daytona once or twice, so driving a car was quite the exhilarating experience.
5. got a new phone to replace my second-hand five-year-old phone which was becoming very uncooperative.
6. cleared my final theory trial test which makes me eligible for the actual one.
7. had a good talk with my parents about family time, and it yielded results.
8. churchwide bible study was very relevant to me and allowed me to get my bearings right again.

i'm sure it's certainly enough to make anyone leap for joy twice over. but it wasn't easy for me the past many weeks. i was on the verge of giving up on my faith and on everything else. i couldn't even feel my soul and spirit anymore, as though it had simply disappeared. a walking zombie, bitter and resentful, i was for quite a while. and worse still, i couldn't (or at least i thought so) find anyone to talk to in detail about it. i tried to handle everything on my own and i felt like dying. i mean if you've been a christian all your life, your parents are devout and you're always looked upon as someone steady in the faith, who do you go to talk about such issues? you would think that your parents would be appalled and threaten to disown you; you consider the possibility that spiritual leaders would start the preaching you've heard a thousand times before and obviously would not work in such situations; you guess that church members would just give you the "huh why oh okay" and probably not understand a thing after you've tried your best to explain what a nothingness is. and it's not failure to see logic or struggles with real-life problems you can talk about. it's simply spontaneous emotional and spiritual self-destruction. thoughts like "screw it, i just want to get away from all of this" kind-of-thing when nothing is actually happening on the surface.

i can tell you that it is far easier to pull through the toughest physical trainings or hectic days with a strong and positive spirit than to lead a seemingly worry-free lifestyle with a dead soul. it was plain torture for me for the past weeks. i didn't realise that my soul was getting killed bit by bit with every day i was too lazy to seek God and every time i was sharply challenged by my army mates, until it was too late and nothing just seemed to matter anymore. i didn't want to serve in ministry, i hated my parents' prayer meetings at home, i thought of every possible reason why my beliefs were so worthless and the list of !#$%^ can go on. simply put, i thought everyone thought i sucked, and i thought everything else sucked too.

by the grace of God, i managed to rediscover the 'initial love' for God which pastor kong was sharing during churchwide bible study. that started happening before this week, so it wasn't this series of fortunate events (haha.) that made me think "oooh God i suddenly love you so much just because you've been nice to me". it's something that came straight out of my heart and took me over, dismissed the negativity building up within me and scrubbed me clean of all the dirt and muck i allowed to accumulate onto my spirit. i don't know how it happened but maybe God thought that He'd stretched me enough for now and pulled me out of this horrible mess just as quickly as i fell into it.

so i went back to God and i tried to see things in a different light. i cried out and attempted to love a God i couldn't relate to anymore. i told Him i had enough of this walking on my own, and sure enough He came to my side and picked my tired, weary self up on His back. i really did set my heart on rediscovering my relationship with God, not because someone told me to or it was the right thing to do, but because i simply had to do it. and in those kind of situations, meekness, dedication and humility are at their best because now you're so desperate for anything to hold on to. He then swiftly cut all the binding chains that were slowly pulling me apart and nursed my bruises. i realised that life must really be walked with God. and somehow, all things did indeed work together for good to those that love Him, to those that are the called according to His purpose.

well we've all heard before that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. and in future i'd better tend my vineyards properly first, before anything else.

-.

2009-05-16T14:35:00.003+08:00

i'm deeply convinced that inner peace can only be achieved by constant meditation to the realisation of God's purpose in whatever we do, and that whatever happens in the future shall and can only be a direct consequence of what happens now.

when i'm faced with an identity crisis

2009-05-11T20:11:00.003+08:00

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.

Bridge:
Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
I am yours..
I am yours..

some rely on their reason to find the meaning of life. reason tells you that you're nothing more than dust before and after this transient existence. i just refuse to believe that. simply because i know in my heart and spirit that i can't possibly be just dust tells me that we are not, unlike the plants and animals of this earth who live to die. surely we're more than that. we are the children of a great God, and i look to Him.

a process

2009-05-10T11:36:00.002+08:00

sometimes i ask myself, why isn't there any end to all this - my pains, my troubles, my difficulties? things just seem to get harder and harder. when it isn't physical, it's mental. when it isn't mental, it's emotional. when it isn't emotional, it's spiritual. i've long stopped deceiving myself that there'll be a time on this earth where people, places or events seem perfect.

i can go on and on about the shortcomings of my environment, but somehow i'll get lost for words if you ask me to count my blessings. why this inclination towards criticism? maybe it's because we're all wired as human beings to strive for progress. i like to think that people who are mature in this aspect usually follow up with actions on their criticism to make a difference for the better. others just do the first part and forget about the second - not a very good thing to go around destroying what you don't like and leaving the place in ruins. it'll perhaps be wiser to build something more ideal out of the rubble.

having said all that, i think some amount of destruction should still be necessary to leave room for creation. beautiful cities couldn't be built without first clearing the land, great empires couldn't have come into existence before smaller civilisations were conquered and assimilated. now i come to my main point - a better person can only emerge out of challenges in life. hardship acts as a huge sledgehammer that break you down bit by bit. during that process, the pain can be almost unendurable. and you cry out for help for someone to put you back together again... as God does it, you realise it's all part of His plan.

daydreaming

2009-05-04T20:46:00.003+08:00

I can really get lost dreaming about the future sometimes, especially when my life now isn't exactly anything to cheer about - it's just the same old routine everyday. Yet, thank God I have opportunities to read at work. At least I live vicariously, and more importantly, slowly shape my worldview reading the newspapers, books and magazines. The world out there is simply so exciting, hurrying me to finish my term in NS. ORD faster come!

Just a great quote I found in Newsweek: It doesn't matter where you come from, only where you're headed. Inspiring? Haha.

mistake

2009-04-20T19:37:00.002+08:00

what do you do when you realise you made a big mistake?

you learn from it.

you make amends, if possible.

but sometimes, it's not easy to forget about it.

and then you question yourself over and over again, was it really a mistake to begin with?

waxing philosophical - why are we here?

2009-04-12T23:00:00.004+08:00

When humans try so hard to find out more about the earth - scaling the highest mountains, diving into the deepest seas, braving the harshest weather, even sending shuttles into space - ultimately what we want to find out is who we really are and what we are here for. Perhaps there is a faint glimmer of hope that by discovering every single bit of detail about our surroundings past and present, we can piece together the vast amounts of seemingly unrelated information and form some theories that could give us a hint on our identity. However, it seems that man's effort to do so has yielded little so far, and after so long - reference to the Greek philosophers of old. With the Big Bang theory explaining how this universe came to pass, and Darwin's famous theory of evolution explaining how we, more specifically, came into an insignificant existence (aren't we just a product of evolution?), we would expect to see many confident, self-assured humanistic individuals. Yet, even among the educated elite, it is a rare sight, much less in the general population. Science and logic doesn't seem to give us a convincing sense of life's purpose, at least for now. That's why you see interesting ways to avoid this topic floating around, usually by playing down the importance of life to self - there wasn't any problem before I was born, so there isn't going to be one when I'm gone or something along those lines. Nice try, don't cheat yourself... Then what's the point of living?

Let's look at things simply. What allows us better to find our purpose than looking to our Maker? We can't possibly expect the created to know what its purpose is, when it has not been shown a purpose or has not been led to fulfill it. In addition, what else could have caused the start of all time, space and matter but the God of this universe (that transcends the abovementioned elements)? I can't fathom why so many scientists and researchers, especially metaphysicists, can't bring themselves to accept the existence of a Creator. Perhaps someone could also explain how evolution has been so kind as to give humans - and humans only - rational thought, emotion and spirituality. To speak of random changes in DNA, wherein the good changes have been selected for and passed down... Random? In the first place, I don't think see how simple evolution could cause a possible change in the physical firing and organisation of neurons and synapses in our brains that has led to philosophies of man far deeper than this, or human emotions that exceed that of all other species in variation and intensity. After all, animals have brains too (and hearts if you really want me to put it in). How about our superiority being attributed to social structures that have evolved after long periods of destruction and creation of human society? Monkey world has been around much longer than ours, yet we still see our closest relatives exhibiting most behaviours guided by primal instinct. Surely, a higher power - God - must have done something to intervene.

So please don't say that God doesn't exist or that we are moulded by the forces of nature through evolution, if you know that our purpose cannot be found in science, but in God alone.

OVER!!!

2009-04-08T23:28:00.000+08:00

so you had a bad day

2009-04-07T21:06:00.001+08:00

try www.fmylife.com. the things in there can get quite screwed but funny nonetheless haha - there's always someone else worse off, count your blessings!

expectation

2009-04-04T00:27:00.004+08:00

expectation is nothing more than hope, until it comes to pass in reality. i've learnt that doesn't always happen, and sometimes holding on to expectation can be a painful experience. it's tiring to be constantly kept in suspense and to keep guessing. it's spirit-shattering when expectation doesn't come to pass.

it's these kind of experiences that tell me to live my own life and simply do what i want to do without any regrets. i wish i could just disregard how other people would seem to judge me or how my actions could affect them. the truth is, this is a shared world, a common society, a community. too many times, i've made my decisions based on others and sold myself short as a result. in retrospect, i couldn't have possibly expected others to be empathetic, or expected them to react favorably. i couldn't have acted all on my own, it would be plainly irresponsible.

does this mean i'm going to shut myself off from the world? impossible. does this mean i'm giving up my dreams? never. but once in a while, it would be nice to see some love, kindness and respect to brighten up my day. just a little would do, i don't think that's expecting too much.

complex simplicity

2009-03-29T18:51:00.002+08:00

sometimes when life gets easy, you start creating problems just to complicate it. problems that are birthed out of too much thinking and imagination. it seems like we can't let our hearts and minds rest for a brief moment.

i really shall not bother. it's time to get over this insecurity. que sera, sera.

:))

2009-03-15T20:33:00.002+08:00

wow i haven't had such a great time in ages man! went to sentosa, then window shopped at vivo and played left4dead with cell members and section mates. the experience was totally exhilarating!!! it's the one time i've felt so relieved for many months. relieved of what, i'm not sure. but i can't stop smiling. ;p woohoo!

growing up

2009-03-08T12:33:00.002+08:00

while having a talk with some friends that day, it just seemed to me that we're all growing up. the problem is, i think we're growing up too quickly that childhood seems almost hard to leave behind. by childhood, i mean the times when we weren't so busy with our own lives, the times when we had tolerance for the things happening around us, a mark of innocence. in short, the times when we didn't have to complicate matters but look at life simply, taking one day at a time.

it's painful to realise that as we grow older, our paths inevitably diverge and our differences seem to be ever more apparent without the cloud of ignorance that covered these differences when we used to be younger, and in adult terms, less mature. maybe i've gotten my a level results, so it is as though school is behind me and what lies ahead is a great blur. maybe it's because i'm always training in my army camp, she's always relief teaching in her school and he's always busy with community work. either way, it feels like childhood is only something i can reminiscence about from now on.

my dad's never talked to me so seriously and analytically - like how adults talk to each other - the day i got my results. i used to love being pampered by my mum; is it really me who's constantly concerned about her now? even my brother doesn't seem like a 'kid' brother to me anymore. he's growing up too, like everyone else around me - my classmates, church friends and neighbours... when adult life begins, is it true that everyone's lives are their own to live, and no one else's anymore?

book out

2009-02-15T10:28:00.002+08:00

they say army teaches you to be a man.
they say army forces you to be independent.
i say army really makes you miss the people and the tiny piece of land you're training to defend.

army's been a great experience so far. i've met many interesting people and made friends. and life in army isn't all that hard, at least for me for now.

but the best experience of all is booking out!

Do we live for the present or the future?

2009-01-20T00:47:00.002+08:00

I know this topic seems like it came out of the blue.

But it just seems to me that these days I'm living for the future and not the present, and I wonder if it's always been the case. I'm waiting for NS enlistment, preparing for my SAT and of course looking forward to Hongbao Festival, but not doing anything for the current. Hm I mean doing anything important for the current because I do still play Geo Challenge for leisure (too bad, no life). Problem is, it goes contrary to what many sages have been exhorting, especially some wise old tortoise from a certain movie - what's his name? Master WuGui. Rightttt.

So is it really possible to live for the present?
If you've got no future to live for. - uh.
If what's coming probably isn't nice. - well okay.
If you really think Santa and his naughty-or-nice list exists. - lame.

Isn't life supposed to be about using the present to prepare for the future?

Maybe, it's about living in the present, not for it. I got mixed up haha. Whoops.

Monotony

2009-01-17T01:29:00.002+08:00

Life is getting real boring. I'm spending my days doing SAT preparation. I want to talk about science or politics with someone! Got a lot to say and laugh about but I guess I can't do it here. Too much to write, perhaps? Had a nice chat with Wallace just now about a handful of inscrutable (haha SAT word!) scientific theories that included a possible Armageddon in 2012 caused by the switching of Earth's magnetic poles. How cool is that. So cool it's just implausible (another SAT word!). Luckily it's the weekend!

Sailing with the wind

2009-01-09T20:41:00.002+08:00

I've just changed my mind; I'm going to aim for an engineering degree. Haha perhaps it may be a bit too much of an about-turn. All the while I've been interested in law, but I think it's been for the wrong reasons. I've always wanted to be as capable as anyone else. Being an all-rounder thus appealed to me. After all, if I could be good at everything, then I would never be found lacking when compared to another person, no matter who he or she is! Naturally, I wanted to be able to write well and speak well, since I'm better at analyzing stuff like in the maths and sciences. From joining the debaters to being far more enthusiastic in GP lessons and concerned with current affairs than the average person, I went all out to make up for my weaknesses - oral communication and written expression.

But a boat that sails against the wind doesn't go far... I think true success for anyone should involve more focus on playing to his or her inherent strengths, instead of wasting time and effort making up for weaknesses.

Having said that, please advise!

And I wait for a few more days.

2009-01-06T22:02:00.002+08:00

Most of my friends are enlisting tomorrow. I'll be going in a little later on the 28th. Well, that gives time to study for SAT and take the test itself, but it's not exactly very exciting either. At least it's better than waiting till April though.

Anyway, I forgot to tap my EZ-Link card yesterday on the way to Li Ting's house. My heart nearly sank. That cost me 2 bucks instead of 70 cents, thanks. I'm so used to getting off the bus without tapping. And listening to that familiar beep-beep instead of just a strange beep.

Life's quite different!

2009-01-02T23:24:00.003+08:00

The first few of many new revelations I'll have this year:

No more school. Which means no more student concession. Ouch. I feel the fire in my pants - that which is burning a hole in my pocket, nothing else okay thanks.

No more school also means imminent brain degeneration. I think, I mean I feel that it's already begun. HELP! How am I going to do my SAT?! Especially the essay writing part. And all that grammar and vocabulary is swirling randomly in my head; I've lost most of my ability to conceptualise, even at a fundamental level. My gosh. The SAT guidebook suggests regular writing practice. Guess I'll do it here.

No more school means fun - while it lasts.

2009

2009-01-01T13:44:00.002+08:00

Yesterday's countdown marks the end of a tumultuous 2008 and the start of 2009. I can't really say for sure how it's going to turn out until I actually go through it.

Anyway I missed the countdown together with the rest of my family and Singapore. I did it with the fairies and gnomes. I was far too tired haha. But it's okay, I don't think missing a countdown amounts to a bad start to the year.

Reminiscing:

Milestone for 2008 - A LEVEL

Looking ahead:

Milestone for 2009 - NS

I'm going to make it a fruitful year regardless of certain inevitable circumstances haha.

If

2008-12-28T02:51:00.001+08:00

A nice poem I came across, by Rudyard Kipling.

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

Christmas

2008-12-25T23:32:00.002+08:00

Yes, Christmas marks the time when Jesus first came down to earth 2000 years ago. But it also seems to me like a heart-warming festival that rounds off the end of the year nicely and ushers in the new year. I haven't been this happy for a long time. A very very very very long time. Perhaps this is why everyone looks forward to Christmas - a time when everyone just forgets their troubles, put aside their differences to embrace a positive spiritual atmosphere.

I loved the endless post-A Level class outings and hosting the Christmas party at my place. 6E has been a wonderful and admirable bunch of people I've had the honour to serve as class rep. I hardly found it a chore over the past one year. With smart, driven and enthusiastic people, I can say with all confidence that this is one of most high-achieving classes in the whole level - both in terms of academics and CCA. I experienced great spirit and friendship which I have never seen before within the class and I'm sure everyone will go very far in life, no doubt about it at all.

I really enjoyed hanging out with E222 just now. What a delight it is to have fun with great people whom you can regard as brothers and sisters in Christ, all the more during Christmas Day itself. Whenever I'm feeling very down, you guys cheer me up somehow. In a sense, you all can be described as the candles that shine so brightly in my darkness. That's why no matter what, I always try my best to join fellowship. That's why I feel so at ease when I'm with you all, because I can trust you all so completely for some reason I cannot understand. Thanks for all you've done for me. Whether it's the incessant chatter that gets on my nerves or the countless personal conversations I've had with some of you that readjusts my direction in life. Indeed, this spiritual family is something I cannot do without. Please, continue to love each other with the unconditional love of God. It's not ignoring each other's faults, it's simply looking beyond our differences. It's what makes us special and attractive.

Of course, to my family and God - the unshakable pillars of my life - thank you for the unwavering support and encouragement through the little ups and big downs in my life. :)

18 years have passed, and really, life has only just begun.

funny church signs

2008-12-19T12:03:00.006+08:00

Haha these are pictures of church signs I got off a website called Divine Caroline. I think they're really funny. I know I'm a Christian and all, but here's to a good laugh.

They just love him in Iraq, don't they?

2008-12-16T10:41:00.002+08:00

I'm happy!

2008-12-12T00:01:00.002+08:00

You know, now that I've finally realised what I want to do with my time, life's never been so good! I love it. I've never been so relaxed in a long while. Anyway I'm reading. :))

Incapacitated

2008-12-09T18:17:00.002+08:00

Urgh I'm sick. After goodness knows how long (I can't remember the last time I was sick, or at least had such a painful experience) I finally fell sick again. Bah. Actually I was supposed to go for basketball with my class, then to the library and then shopping with my mum. Here I am resting at home for the entire day, and using whatever little time when I'm awake to blog.

I think I had stomach flu or something last night. I didn't go to the doctor, but hell, it was very, very bad. Stomach flu sounds deceptively trivial and at most mildly annoying but I think it can be compared to the most painful of ailments. Oh my gosh I didn't sleep for 4 hours or so and vomited twice, had breathing difficulties and my stomach was so bloated. In short, painful and traumatic. Somemore I had my parents staying up together with me, sigh.

I don't know I think it was either the Japanese food I had on Saturday night, or the extra oily combination of fried chicken and kway chap yesterday. Thank God I'm much better, and I need a full recovery please.

Boredom

2008-12-09T00:54:00.003+08:00

I haven't been this bored for the past year, which has been 365 days or 8760 hours, if you like. I've never been so unoccupied to the point that I'm forcing myself to watch the most meaningless stuff, through the most meaningless channels, on the most meaningless invention in the history of mankind. (Alright, at least in our modern context - with computers and cinemas, who really needs television anyway. Or perhaps it's just me sulking at having no cable TV.)

So, I really need to get out, hang out and chill out. Whatever it is, I don't want to stay in. My life for the past two years hasn't been much of a life at all, I want to make up for lost time! After all, enlistment is just round the corner AH.

The world and God

2008-12-08T01:33:00.002+08:00

My life is Your song
To You my heart belongs
Let all earthly crowns fade in the shadow of the cross ...

In the beginning, God created the world and He created people last. So He created the world for people to live in. Despite what's going on in this world right now, if we think quietly in solitude, it remains a beautiful place. What a blessing to be alive.

But let us ask ourselves, are we too entangled in this world to reach out to God? Are we too caught up with building our relationships and pursuing our aspirations that somehow God fades away as a scant memory? There's so much to see and so much to do that there's seemingly never enough time for everything. I always wish for more time to think, to read, to study, to write. I also want all the time in the world to hang out with friends and family. It would also be great if I had lots of time to serve the community. Ah, God - can I have less time with You, so that I have more time for other things? I'm already short of time here, You know. Oh, and I'm so tired too...

What benefit is it to a man if he gains the whole world but loses his own soul? Alas, one can only know when he has lost his spirit, just as one can never comprehend hunger unless he is hungry himself. There is nothing to be gained, but a complete sense of lack. Yes, we all do need God to live, to fill our lamp with oil and keep it burning bright.

It's time to lay aside our earthly crowns and turn back to God, seeking refuge under the shadow of the Almighty.

It's over!

2008-11-21T13:15:00.003+08:00

A LEVELS ARE OVER! Time to get my life (and my room) back in order, and move on quickly. I have many more things to think about - decisions, decisions, delirium.

Anyway, I fancy my chances of getting As for the sciences and maths, but for GP and economics it's really a big question mark. An ideal situation will be straight As! GP and economics have always meant quite a lot to me, but I usually can't score as well as the other subjects. I'll just see how it goes. Hopefully whatever grades I get would lead me to something and somewhere God wants me to study. And in the best case scenario, a good scholarship either from NUS for local study or a strong organisation for overseas study, so I don't have to spend my parents' hard-earned tens of thousands of dollars for my degree.

I've really been wondering, how do people's lives change over time? Very surely, life doesn't end after JC. There's still university to go through, a career to pursue and a family to build, among many other things. All these factors would probably be part of most of my contemporaries' lives. Right now, I can't clearly see myself emerge at the top in wealth and repute in 10 or 20 years' time. It's not that I don't have dreams - I have incredible dreams - but the future is just so vague. After all, I've come so far in 18 years, and there's still more than three quarters of my life to live. How am I supposed to know how I would end up at the age of 50, or even just 30? I could fill the role of an important pillar of society, or remain in relative anonymity. The troubling thing is knowing that every major decision I make will have implications, profound or otherwise, for my future.

And next comes success. Is the definition of success different to each individual? To me, the fundamental basis for success is the same - power and influence. Please don't let the image of a ruthless dictator come to your mind. They are only critical for success, because they are the only means through which our ideals can turn into reality. And success for everyone, as far as I know, is to change society to the way he wants it to be, for the better or for the worse.

So, I have many things to think about - with God!

Life's Complex Web of Relationships

2008-11-17T22:23:00.003+08:00

I deleted the previous post, didn't think that having GP essays here would be of any particular interest to anyone haha. Anyway life's good for me, only 2 more papers to go before I can say bye bye to JC life (unless I go back as a teacher, which is very highly improbable).

Dismissing life as being simple may perhaps be a little too, well, simplistic. I know life's much more than that. It's not just life in the long term, as in the major decisions that you make e.g. university degree, career path etc., but also life in the short term. I refer to those little trivialities that don't really matter over time, but are vital for sustaining your dwindling interest in living life, such as a nice encouraging note, or a cheery smile on your old grandma's wizened face. Occasionally, these trivialities could turn out to be annoyances that bug you so much that you scream "God!!" in utter desperation. And yes, they usually cause you to ask why God put you through such a rigourous - and painful - perfection process.

As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend. - Proverbs 27:17
As can be inferred from this verse, one tool particularly useful to God when He shapes us into perfection is other people. When people meet people, relationships develop, and herein lies the problem - relationships can be very complicated. Here are just some examples:

Parent vs. child: Parent must learn to give child freedom, but must teach him to exercise self-discipline in enjoying this freedom, ironically through discipline itself. Child must respect and honour parent, but sometimes doing so simply because he is the parent (especially when the parent is being unreasonable) reeks of disgusting hypocrisy.
Friend vs. friend: The absence of trust eventually brings misunderstanding, then backstabbing, and then hatred and so on. I'm sure there's little else I can comment on without sounding preachy, except that when such things happen, it is up to you to make a value judgement. Should you have made such a friend in the first place, and should you forgive and forget or make a clean break? If you really must determine a winner, the one with courage (to do what's right in the eyes of God - and not what's convenient) usually prevails over the one with selfishness in his heart.
Boy vs. girl: I'm still a teenager (with all the angst, insecurity and - OMG - acne that comes with being one), so ARGH WTH WTH WTH.

Try counting the number of relationships you have with other people. You'll still be doing so on your dying breath - there are 6 billion different people on this planet. It's just too easy to be caught in life's complex web of relationships. So we shouldn't be afraid of getting caught, it's bound to happen at many points in our lives. But let's not struggle on our own and become further entangled, but let God extricate us with His peace and wisdom, and learn from the process.

Tame the tongue.

2008-10-25T00:39:00.002+08:00

For we all stumble in many things. If anyone does not stumble in word, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle the whole body. - James 3:2

Argh. I hate the feeling of regret and conviction I get when I realise I've done something wrong. I absolutely hate it. My conscience is strong, so I feel really bad when I let myself down, or when I let God down with some stupid thing that I did or said earlier. Usually these two disappointments come together. That rotten feeling is amplified when you know that you're supposed to be spiritually and emotionally mature enough not to sin.

I can't tame my tongue. It's as though I don't control it, and it has a mind of its own. I would think about saying nice things to bless and encourage people before, and then when I speak, verbal garbage starts to spew out endlessly. I'm really afraid one day it'll hurt someone. Or maybe it already did, and I'm none the more aware. I tell myself not to say anything. Sometimes I do that. But other times, like just now, I don't. And especially when I'm kind of stressed and want to chill out with my friends, I tend to forget who I am. I'm a child of God, a Christian. I'm not supposed to sin.

I guess I'm still on the long hard road to perfection...

Change

2008-10-20T19:48:00.002+08:00

Change is inevitable. I guess things don't remain the same all the time. Well, that can be a good thing when life sucks, but when change forces you out of your comfort zone, it's not so good - at least in the short term.

Anyway, I can't help but feel quite stressed. There're so many changes going on in my life now. Upcoming exams - a change in my lifestyle and disposition. Cell group multiplication and the end of JC - a change in the friends I hang out with. Army enlistment, university applications and the list goes on.

I've gotten used to being so carefree. Some may call it slacking off, but I'd rather think that's the way we should live life. Don't be so hardcore about everything. Do what you like to do, and let passion drive you towards excellence. I bet at least half the people in my school hate studying mindlessly.

I've gotten used to my friends - E222 and 08SO6E - people I have spent lots of time with over the past year. Good times and bad times, light-hearted moments and dull moments... I love them, I really do. And it sucks to know we must all move on.

Ultimately, only God doesn't change. And I'm thankful for that.

(Im)mature

2008-10-19T01:29:00.002+08:00

"I don't care what you say! I know I'm mature!" (fictional statement of self-denial)

One wonders where the word immature came from.

Look no further than the author of this post for an apt description of the word.

I'm still so imperfect... That's why I need God.

I looked at myself in the mirror once.

2008-10-16T20:52:00.000+08:00

Gosh. I'm lost in a world of academics, when there's so much more out there to see, to hear and to do.

I love nature, music, sports, food, art and almost everything else. I love this world. I want to immerse myself in culture.

I want to see the world and try out new things, so that when I'm old, I won't regret not living out my youth.

I want to make a difference in this world, and make sure that everyone around me leads a better life because of what I have done.

I don't know how time flies
But I do know that when it does
It goes by in a blink of an eye.

Lord, teach me to number my days. And to know what is really important.

My father told me in a stressful time:
Ask God for the peace to accept things you cannot change,
for the courage to change the things you can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.